


On Being a Transformer

by roguefaerie (samidha)



Series: Poems [1]
Category: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Related Fandoms, Dark Angel (TV), Original Work, Rainbow Brite, Supernatural, Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: (maybe), Disability, Gen, Gender Identity, Identity Issues, Mad Pride, Madness, Poetry, Queer Gen, Queer Themes, Slam Poetry, Transgender, Transgender Author, nonbinary author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 17:18:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14549517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samidha/pseuds/roguefaerie
Summary: Adventures in my fannish ways, cross-fandom, written as maybe a slam poetry piece according to some people who've read it.





	On Being a Transformer

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this many months ago and then agonized for a long time about dropping it here or not. Here it finally is.
> 
> Given to the fandoms in question, with love and respect.

In 1984  
I am a Transformer  
My best friend is my cousin,  
and I learn what it is to be a boy  
from him

Maybe I am one  
I have a set of Rainbow Bright dolls,  
but I am Red Butler  
Buddy Blue  
and Starlight

And I make sure.

I am educated  
that I am a “girl”  
and will always and forever  
be a girl

in horrified tones  
and kept away  
from many things.  
curiouser and curiouser,  
queerer and queerer

From the start  
a losing battle  
that my mother conceded  
when she dressed me in “boys jeans” at age zero  
and showed them to me  
as an adult.

Something small that stays with you  
when it’s not small at all.

It was always known.  
Always feared  
and guarded  
against

That one day  
watching  
television

I would be  
the boy

In 1999  
I have long hair  
A disability  
And know  
Who all the queer  
kids and some of the adults  
are, In class

When we are briefed  
on the gay agenda  
by a bigot  
we launch a troll campaign  
to rival any on the Internet in 2018

I am the Hatter  
and the Hatter is not afraid  
of a homophobe

I am told then  
that I can never write  
a male character  
I have long hair  
and the wrong face

Years later  
so many small things  
lead me  
to a four year old boy  
and thoughts of parallel worlds

A fire destroys a childhood  
and sentences him to a hunger  
I remember in my own  
and carry with me always 

I will write the story  
always  
of the impact  
of those images  
that childhood preserved  
and the way it lodges against mine  
and sits somehow inside of me

The ways I remember  
Being tough  
And hungry  
And the ways I remember

Being a boy

Getting through

Always I will write  
the ways of taking power back  
that I was told  
could never be mine

And slowly the wound  
(may) can heal

When I write them  
I (may) can be anyone.  
Maybe Sam,  
or the Hatter,  
or Dean,  
or Ben,  
or anyone,  
I can even  
sometimes  
remember  
being a wayward sister

And any one of them  
reminds me  
they can break my gender in half  
again

In the trenches  
with your own mind  
every symbol  
can be the one that undoes something  
something important, but perhaps fragile,

I am sometimes these others,  
but always with a tinge of madness,  
the colors askew

Some come so close  
to who I am  
that I cannot watch them  
for long or at all

We’re all mad here  
they say sometimes.  
The ones who matter,  
and if in the end  
the mad ones  
are not your favorite  
I haven’t done  
what I came to do

When you are told  
you are not yourself  
there is no self  
determination for you  
it can drive  
the sharpest mind  
slightly mad

And in the end,  
You (may) can hold it close  
to be worn  
with a hint of pride  
and a flame  
strong enough  
to carry you home

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [On the Importance of Fandom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16262438) by [sarahgayle1214](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahgayle1214/pseuds/sarahgayle1214)
  * [Prowl](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16262513) by [sarahgayle1214](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahgayle1214/pseuds/sarahgayle1214)
  * [Jazz](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16262558) by [sarahgayle1214](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahgayle1214/pseuds/sarahgayle1214)
  * [Ark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16262618) by [sarahgayle1214](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahgayle1214/pseuds/sarahgayle1214)
  * [Some Days Decepticon](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16556210) by [sarahgayle1214](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahgayle1214/pseuds/sarahgayle1214)
  * [We Have Always Been Here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17189954) by [roguefaerie (samidha)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/samidha/pseuds/roguefaerie)




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